Anger Is a Mask for Love
Ask what you love so much you're trying to protect it — then convert the anger into action.
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 90%
Lemieux treats anger as a surface emotion with a predictable root. Culturally, many people — often men — aren't permitted to show sadness, so anger becomes the mask. Her diagnostic question is: what do I love so much that I'm trying to protect, that's making me this angry because I feel I've lost control of it? 'I'm angry that I lost my kids because I love them so much.' Once the love is named, the anger becomes fuel: anger is signalling that action is needed, so you ask who or what you can show up for, contribute to, or use your voice for. She's explicit that you're allowed to stay pissed for a while — but it has to move through you, or you become its main casualty.
Origin
Drawn from Lemieux's grief and bereavement training and her own anger at losing the two children she'd raised — anger she traced directly back to how much she loved them.
Core principles
- 01Anger is easier to feel than sadness, so it often masks it.
- 02The root of anger is usually love for something you feel you've lost control of.
- 03Anger is signalling that action is needed — it is an alarm bell, not a verdict.
- 04You are allowed to be pissed off; it just has to move through you.
- 05If anger doesn't move, the person most damaged by it is you.
How to run it
- 1
Allow the anger
Let yourself feel it. Some healing genuinely requires getting pissed, and people have wronged you for real reasons.
Watch out Allowing is not parking. Anger that never moves through you does the most damage to you.
- 2
Ask the love question
Ask: what do I love so much that I'm trying to protect, that I feel I've lost control of? Anger usually points back to love.
Pro tip Check for sadness underneath — anger is the easier emotion, so it frequently stands in for grief.
- 3
Name the target of the love
Identify who or what you love here — a person, a cause, a value, or yourself.
Pro tip Sometimes the answer is a love for yourself, in which case the action is pouring into yourself.
- 4
Convert to action
Anger is signalling that action is needed. Ask how you can show up for them, be part of that cause, or use your voice to help — and do it.
In the wild
Lemieux applies her own question to her own loss: 'I'm angry that I lost my kids because I love them so much.' The anger wasn't the phenomenon — the love and the loss of control were.
→ Naming the love let her allow the anger, understand its origin, and redirect it into fuelling the love rather than being consumed by it.
Common mistakes
Suppressing anger to seem healed
Anger has to move through you. Denying it leaves it lodged, and the person most affected by an unmoved anger is you.
Acting on anger without finding the love
Anger signals that action is needed but doesn't tell you which action. Without naming what you're protecting, the action goes somewhere destructive.
Is it for you?
Best for
Grieving people and founders whose anger is running their reactions without a channel.
Not ideal for
Situations requiring immediate de-escalation, or trauma responses needing professional care.
From the transcript
“A lot of times anger is a mask for sadness because we're too afraid to feel sad or we haven't been taught.”
“What do I love so much that I'm trying to protect that is making me so angry right now because I feel like I've lost…”
“Anger is needing action. It's like it's signaling to us that there are alarm bells going off. We want to be in control of something…”
From the episode
Ashley Lemieux: How Entrepreneurs Can Overcome Loss, Heal, and Build a Thriving Business
Ashley Lemieux