Choose Confidence While Developing Competence
Women over-rotate on competence, men on confidence — the win is doing both.
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~months to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 85%
Kalil observes that people follow the most confident person over the most competent because confidence signals trust. She maps a gendered pattern: women tend to over-rotate on competence, spending energy getting qualified before they take risks, while men over-rotate on confidence, applying and advancing even when they meet only 40-60% of the qualifications. Neither extreme is optimal — the confident can undervalue skill, the competent can undervalue self-trust. The prescription is to choose confidence while developing competence, and for both genders to learn from each other. She adds that a measurable confidence gap opens between girls and boys around ages 7-9 and doesn't close until roughly age 50.
Origin
Drawn from Kalil's years leading advisor development at a Fortune 100 financial firm and founding Women's Work, where she saw women repeatedly out-prepare yet under-apply relative to male peers, and built the reframe to correct it.
Core principles
- 01We follow the most confident person in the room over the most competent — confidence signals self-trust.
- 02Women tend to over-rotate on competence and wait to feel ready; men over-rotate on confidence and go early.
- 03The best opportunity for everyone is to choose confidence while continuing to develop competence.
- 04Waiting to feel fully qualified before acting costs opportunities that confident action would capture.
How to run it
- 1
Diagnose your default
Determine whether you lean toward over-preparing (competence) or over-projecting (confidence), and where that costs you.
- 2
Act at 40-60% qualified
Adopt the 'I'll figure it out as I go' posture: apply, pitch or raise your hand when you meet 40-60% of the qualifications instead of waiting for 100%.
Watch out Don't let confidence become an excuse to skip the trainings and skill-building — under-valuing competence is the mirror-image failure.
- 3
Keep building competence in parallel
Continue getting the designations, trainings and reps — but do it while taking risks, not before.
- 4
Leaders: close the gap
Knowing women generally arrive with less confidence than male counterparts, invest in, encourage and support confidence-building on your team.
Pro tip Assume nothing about an individual; act on the pattern only to add support, never to stereotype.
In the wild
Kalil describes men applying for promotions or changing jobs while meeting only 40-60% of the stated qualifications, trusting they'll figure the rest out, while equally-or-more-qualified women hold back until they feel fully competent.
→ The confident applicants capture opportunities the more-competent-but-waiting candidates never reach for.
Common mistakes
Waiting to feel ready
Spending all your energy becoming competent and only then taking risks means opportunities pass to people who acted with less preparation but more self-trust.
Confidence without competence
Over-rotating on confidence and skipping the skill-building work leaves you trusted but under-skilled — the opposite imbalance.
Is it for you?
Best for
Professionals deciding whether to go for a promotion, job or raise, and leaders who want to close a team's confidence gap.
Not ideal for
Roles where genuine competence is non-negotiable before acting (e.g. safety-critical technical certifications).
From the transcript
“We will always follow the most confident person over the most competent.”
“The best opportunity for all of us is to choose confidence while we develop competence.”
“They'll apply or go for that promotion or change jobs even if they only meet 40 to 60% of the qualifications.”
From the episode
Nicole Kalil: Overcome Imposter Syndrome and Become Confident in 60 Minutes
Nicole Kalil