The Coffee-Not-Mentorship Approach
Never ask someone to be your mentor — ask for one coffee and one piece of advice.
- Difficulty
- Starter
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 90%
Bayer's fix for the mentorship problem is to delete the word. Nobody wants to sign up to be a mentor, because the title implies open-ended obligation. But mentorship, stripped down, is purely the sharing of advice with someone else that's giving you some wisdom — which means you can have twenty mentors and none of them need to know they're one. The ask is a cup of coffee and a specific question: can you tell me how you got to where you got to? He points out that people love to help others and love to share their wisdom, because it lets them share the struggle-turned-to-success. And the targeting is easy: whoever you look at and think 'I wish I had a little more of that' is your list.
Origin
Bayer says he gets the 'can you be my mentor' request a lot, and it's a little awkward every time. His own counter-example is Dr. Phil — Bayer is much younger, new to the game, and asks him a ton of questions, and reckons Dr. Phil probably loves mentoring him. But he never asked for the title; the relationship works precisely because it's questions over coffee rather than a signed-up role.
Core principles
- 01Nobody wants to sign up to be a mentor — the title is a commitment request disguised as a compliment.
- 02Mentorship is purely the sharing of advice with someone else that gives you wisdom. Nothing more.
- 03Because it's not a title, you can have 20 mentors at once.
- 04People love to help others and love to share their wisdom — they get to share the solution and the struggle-turned-to-success.
- 05Your envy is your map: 'I wish I had more of that' identifies exactly who to ask.
- 06Mentors don't have to be famous — it can be the person down the street who owns a bagel shop.
How to run it
- 1
Find your challenge first
Before you ask anyone anything, identify the pressing challenge — the area of life that isn't working for you and is weighing you down most.
Pro tip It can't be everything. Some things must be working, or you wouldn't be searching for help in the first place.
- 2
Use envy as the targeting system
Look at who you know and notice where you think 'gosh, I wish I had a little more of that' — I wish I had a podcast, I wish I had a public brand, I wish I could start a business. That reaction is built-in targeting.
Pro tip The person doesn't have to be famous — it could be the person down the street who owns a bagel shop.
- 3
Ask for coffee, not a title
Say 'can I get a cup of coffee' — a bounded, low-cost, single ask. Do not say 'can you be my mentor'; nobody wants to sign up for that.
Watch out The title ask is awkward for both sides and usually ends the possibility rather than starting it.
- 4
Ask the specific question
Ask 'can you give me some advice, can you tell me how you got to where you got to'. People love to share their wisdom because it lets them share the solution and the struggle turned to success.
- 5
Build a portfolio, not a patron
Since mentorship is just the sharing of advice, repeat across many people. You can have 20 mentors.
In the wild
Bayer met Dr. Phil after throwing a charity event where Dr. Phil spoke. Being much younger and new to television, Bayer asks him a ton of questions — but never framed it as a mentorship request, which he says would have been 'a little awkward'.
→ The relationship became a genuine mentorship in substance — and led to Bayer doing roughly 40 episodes of the show — without either party ever using the word.
Bayer's illustration that the mentor doesn't need a platform: the person down the street who owns a bagel shop can be asked 'can you tell me how you got to where you got to'.
→ The advice-and-wisdom exchange is available immediately and locally, with no gatekeeping and no title required.
Common mistakes
Asking 'will you be my mentor?'
No one wants to sign up to be a mentor. The title converts a pleasant one-off exchange into an open-ended obligation, and the ask is awkward enough that people decline.
Never asking anyone at all
The people with the biggest challenge are the ones who are afraid to tell anyone what they're struggling with. Challenges left to our own thoughts and feelings, unshared, are what keep people stuck.
Only targeting the famous
Restricting the list to people with platforms shrinks it to almost nobody. The bagel shop owner down the street has wisdom and is reachable today.
Is it for you?
Best for
Young professionals and early founders who feel lost and don't know who to turn to for guidance.
Not ideal for
Situations requiring sustained, structured, accountable coaching over time — that's a coach or therapist, not a coffee.
From the transcript
“actually looking at people that you admire and being like can i get a cup of coffee don't say to someone but this is my…”
“mentorship is just purely the sharing of advice with someone else that's giving you some wisdom so you can have 20 mentors”
“people love to help others it's people love to share their wisdom because you're getting to share that solution and that struggle turned to success”
“i think the first step is like look at who you who you know in your life and go gosh i wish i had a…”
From the episode
Coach Mike Bayer: One Decision To a Better Life
Coach Mike Bayer