Ego Suspension by Addition
You can't stop a behavior. Add curiosity and the ego starves.
- Difficulty
- Advanced
- Time to result
- ~ongoing to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 94%
Dreeke rejects the idea that you can simply stop being self-centred. His emotional-intelligence move is additive: ask what behaviour you can add, because a new behaviour mitigates a negative one. The behaviour to add is curiosity about other people's thoughts and opinions. Critically, suppression isn't suspension — if you merely bite your tongue you're still holding the anecdote in your head and not listening. True ego suspension means dumping the story entirely and refocusing on exploring what they've shared. It feels very weird the first time, and it's the mechanism that makes all the other frameworks executable.
Origin
Dreeke describes himself as an extremely opinionated, extremely vocal New York extrovert who thinks out loud — traits that were 'in my way most of my life.' He says his books are his manuals on how not to be the self-centred person he was born to be.
Core principles
- 01You cannot stop a behaviour; you can only add one that mitigates it.
- 02The behaviour to add is curiosity about other people.
- 03Suppressing the urge to share isn't enough — you must dump the anecdote from your head entirely.
- 04Anything that comes out of their mouth is a priority of theirs, and therefore explorable.
- 05Once you realise people don't much care about your thoughts and opinions, letting go gets easier.
How to run it
- 1
Stop trying to subtract
Abandon the plan to stop being self-centred. Ask instead: what behaviour can I add? Adding a new behaviour mitigates a negative one.
- 2
Add curiosity
The behaviour to add is curiosity about other people and their thoughts and opinions rather than sharing yours. It's the single best antidote to ego.
Pro tip Once you realise people really don't care about your thoughts and opinions, you'll let go of them.
- 3
Catch the matching reflex
Notice the moment your brain surfaces an anecdotal story to make a connection — they mention Jersey, you reach for New York. That reflex is the ego doing its work.
- 4
Dump it, don't hold it
Actively say: here's what I want to say, and now I'm completely dumping it. Not shutting up while still thinking it — dumping it from your head.
Watch out If you just stay quiet you're still thinking about the thing you want to say, which means you're not actually listening.
- 5
Explore what they said instead
Refocus and explore everything they're sharing, because if it came out of their mouth it's a priority of theirs. How did you decide to do this? When? What challenges did you have along the way?
Pro tip 'How did you meet Jordan?' instead of 'let me tell you my Jordan story' is the whole framework in one line.
In the wild
The host mentions she's from Jersey. Dreeke's brain immediately produces 'well I'm from New York, let me tell you about New York' — a story surfaced to make a connection.
→ Ego suspension means dumping the New York story and exploring her Jersey story instead, which is where the actual connection lives.
The host mentions Jordan Harbinger. The inclination is to share his own anecdote about Jordan; instead the move is 'how did you meet Jordan?'
→ Dreeke names this as the exact difference between ego and ego suspension.
Common mistakes
Confusing suppression with suspension
Not even shut up and be quiet — because now you're still thinking about that thing you want to say. Holding the anecdote in reserve means you're not present.
Trying to delete the behaviour
Dreeke is not of the school where you can stop doing a behaviour. Attempts to subtract fail; only addition works.
Is it for you?
Best for
Extroverts, vocal thinkers, high-achievers and anyone who's been told they dominate conversations.
Not ideal for
Contexts where the other party genuinely needs your expertise or disclosure, or people who already under-share.
From the transcript
“i'm not of the school where you can stop doing a behavior the best thing you can do is use good emotional intelligence which comes…”
“the behavior you add is curiosity the best way to get over your ego is to be more curious about other people and their thoughts…”
“ego suspension is the active act of saying all right here's what i want to say but now i'm going to completely dump it not…”
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