Get What You Want or Get What You Need
Speak up and you can only win two ways — either outcome moves you forward.
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 3
- Confidence
- 92%
Kenny distills vulnerability into a communication rule for dating and beyond: whenever you speak up, you either get what you want or you get what you need, and both outcomes help you. If you raise a concern and it clears up a misunderstanding, you got what you want — you were on the same page. If it exposes a genuine problem, that stings but you got what you need, because you can finally leave the holding pattern. He uses the phrase as a self-directed mantra to summon the courage for the conversation, since the downside of speaking is always better than the ambiguity of silence.
Origin
From doing extensive dating content and fielding audience questions, Kenny observed that roughly 99% of the problems people raised were solvable through communication, so he built a memorable two-outcome frame to motivate people to actually speak up.
Core principles
- 01Vulnerability in practice means speaking up and advocating for yourself, not sappy feelings-time.
- 02Any time you voice a need or a question you get one of two results, and both help you.
- 03Getting what you want confirms alignment; getting what you need frees you from a holding pattern.
- 04Most relationship pain is solvable through communication.
How to run it
- 1
Pinpoint what needs voicing
Identify the specific behavior, comment, or need that is creating confusion or anxiety for you.
Pro tip Focus on advocating for a need or asking a question, not launching an accusation.
- 2
Speak up and ask
Raise it directly — 'you did this thing, it makes me feel a certain way, what are your intentions?'
Pro tip Frame it as a request for clarity so the other person can respond honestly.
Watch out Snapping your fingers won't make the conversation easy — expect discomfort.
- 3
Accept either outcome
If they clarify and you align, you got what you want; if they reveal a bad fit, you got what you need and can move on.
Pro tip Repeat 'get what you want or get what you need' to yourself to build the resolve to have the talk.
Watch out The 'get what you need' outcome can hurt a lot — but it releases you from limbo.
In the wild
You notice a partner's behavior seems off, so you ask directly what it means; they admit they have not been serious about you.
→ It hurts, but you now know the truth and can leave the holding pattern instead of staying stuck.
Common mistakes
Waiting for the other person to move first
Refusing to speak up because everyone wants the other to make the first move backs you further into an anxious, projection-driven cycle.
Assuming silence protects you
Staying quiet keeps you in a holding pattern with no resolution, which is worse than either possible outcome of speaking up.
Is it for you?
Best for
Anyone avoiding a hard conversation in dating, friendship, or business.
Not ideal for
Situations requiring tact and timing where blunt confrontation would backfire.
From the transcript
“Anytime you speak up you either get what you want or you get what you need.”
“You got what you need because now you can move on and you're not in that holding pattern anymore.”
From the episode
Case Kenny: Mindfulness for Entrepreneurs, How to Gain Clarity and Make Smarter Decisions
Case Kenny