Kindness-Compassion-Growth Relationship Test
Assess relationship health through gentleness, perspective-taking, and growth.
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 96%
This test uses three broad qualities as relationship green flags. Kindness asks whether each person can remain gentle and honest, especially after familiarity exposes stress and vulnerability. Compassion asks whether each person can step outside their own perspective during disagreement and accurately see where the other is coming from. Growth asks whether both accept that a close relationship will reveal undeveloped skills and then invest effort in improving them. Evaluate the qualities under strain, not only during easy moments: Does someone take a bad mood out on the other person? Can both perspectives enter an argument? Does feedback lead to changed behavior over time? The framework does not demand perfection. It looks for a stable orientation toward gentleness, mutual understanding, and continued development.
Origin
Perez identified kindness, compassion, and growth as three overarching green flags in How to Love Better, drawing partly on the listening and emotional skills his own marriage required him to develop.
Core principles
- 01Closeness reveals both the best and worst of each person.
- 02Kindness means distress is not taken out on the partner.
- 03Compassion requires seeing beyond one's own perspective.
- 04A lasting relationship exposes skills that need deliberate growth.
How to run it
- 1
Test kindness under stress
Observe whether a person can disclose feeling down without using that feeling as permission to mistreat someone close.
Pro tip Pay attention to tone and conduct during ordinary fatigue, not just major conflict.
Watch out Early charm alone does not demonstrate durable kindness.
- 2
Test compassionate perspective
During disagreement, see whether each person can pause and understand the other's point of view.
Pro tip Ask each person to summarize the other's concern before proposing a solution.
Watch out Understanding a view does not require surrendering your own needs.
- 3
Test growth behavior
Identify weaknesses the relationship has revealed and look for sustained effort to improve them.
Pro tip Track observable changes such as listening longer or lowering a defensive tone.
Watch out Promises without changed behavior are weak evidence of growth.
- 4
Judge the pattern
Assess the repeated direction of all three qualities rather than demanding a flawless interaction.
Pro tip Use several difficult moments as evidence, not one isolated mistake.
Watch out Repeated harm should not be excused as an imperfect growth process.
In the wild
Perez noticed early in his relationship that he needed to improve his ability to listen. He treated the weakness as an area for sustained development rather than proof that the relationship was wrong.
→ Deliberate growth helped him bring more harmony into the relationship.
Common mistakes
Judging only the honeymoon period
Kindness is most informative after familiarity and stress expose less polished behavior.
Demanding identical growth tools
Partners can share a growth orientation while using different practices, such as meditation and therapy.
Is it for you?
Best for
People evaluating a partner or diagnosing recurring friction in a long-term relationship.
Not ideal for
It is not a complete safety assessment for abusive or coercive relationships.
From the transcript
“those are three really big important green flags because kindness”
“you can step outside of your perspective and see the perspective of another”
“growth is just something that we don't really have a choice but to embrace if we want to have a happy relationship.”
From the episode
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