Language Ownership Audit
Every time you say someone 'made' you feel something, you hand them the controls.
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 87%
Morin's smallest-surface, highest-frequency tool: audit the language. When we say 'so-and-so ruined my day' or 'my boss makes me work late,' we're implying other people are in control of our lives. The truth is you control how you think, feel and behave — if your boss says work late, you might choose to, mostly to avoid the consequence of getting in trouble, but it's a choice. Switching the language to 'this is a choice and I'm in control of how I feel' says you can't control everything but you can always control yourself. The same audit runs externally: over-apologising in meetings — 'excuse me, would you mind if I said something', 'I hate to interrupt but' — sends a signal about how you expect to be treated. Hala Taha's addition is that successful people spot a victim mindset in an instant and it's a big turnoff.
Origin
One of the tools Morin developed in her therapy practice for countering negative self-talk and the victim mindset that follows from feeling sorry for yourself — which she identifies as the first of the things mentally strong people don't do, because it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Core principles
- 01The words we use imply who is in control of our lives.
- 02You control how you think, how you feel and how you behave — not everything, but always that.
- 03'My boss makes me work late' is a choice to avoid a consequence, not an absence of choice.
- 04Over-apologising in meetings signals how you expect to be treated.
- 05If you don't act like what you're saying has value, nobody else will either.
- 06Taking back the power is what frees you to pursue your potential.
How to run it
- 1
Catch the control-transferring phrases
Listen for the specific constructions: 'so-and-so ruined my day today', 'my neighbour makes me feel bad about myself', 'my boss makes me work late.' Each one implies someone else holds the controls.
- 2
Rewrite it as a choice
Of course if your boss says work late you might choose to, mostly to avoid the consequence of getting in trouble at work. But it's a choice. Say 'this is a choice and I'm in control of how I feel.'
Pro tip Someone was rude to you today — they didn't ruin your day unless you let them.
Watch out This is not a claim you control everything. It's a claim you always control yourself, your thoughts, your feelings and your behaviour.
- 3
Audit your meeting language
Look at the little things you say in meetings: 'excuse me, please would you mind if I said something', 'I hate to interrupt but.' Apologising too much sends a signal about how you expect to be treated.
Watch out If you don't act like what you're saying has any value, Morin guarantees nobody else will either.
- 4
Ask the daily control question
Every day ask: what do I have control over, how do I want to be in the world today, and what are my core values for who I want to be no matter what curveballs life throws?
Pro tip Knowing your core values makes decisions much easier — you can say no to the things that don't serve you.
- 5
Act like the person you want to become
Choose to act like a mentally strong person today if that's who you want to be. Kind and confident, even if you don't feel like it — grumpy from the wrong side of the bed doesn't remove the choice.
Pro tip Recognising you have choices in the small things frees you to see you have choices no matter how many bad things happen.
In the wild
Morin's example of the small signals: saying 'excuse me, please would you mind if I said something' or 'I hate to interrupt but' before contributing in a meeting. These little apologies precede every point you make.
→ They send a signal about how you expect to be treated. As Morin puts it — if I don't act like what I'm saying has any value, I guarantee nobody else is going to either.
Hala Taha's observation from the operator's side: when you're empowered and don't talk like a victim, it reads as authoritative and builds respect. Really successful people you want to work with can tell in an instant if somebody has a victim mindset.
→ Morin agrees — it's a really big turnoff, and it's the simple little things people say that broadcast it.
Common mistakes
Confusing 'no good options' with 'no choice'
Working late to avoid getting in trouble is still a choice, made for a reason. Describing it as compulsion transfers ownership of your emotional state to your boss for no gain.
Letting self-pity become a self-fulfilling prophecy
If you wake up every day saying there's nothing you can do to make your life better, and you truly believe it, Morin guarantees life won't get any better. The belief stops the action that would disprove it.
Waiting to feel like the person before acting like them
People defer confident or kind behaviour until the feeling arrives. The order is reversed — you can choose to act like the person you want to become even when you're grumpy, and the feeling follows the choice.
Is it for you?
Best for
Leaders and operators who want both the internal agency and the external authority that comes with owning their language
Not ideal for
Situations of genuine coercion or abuse, where 'you chose this' is a harmful reframe rather than an empowering one
From the transcript
“when we say something like oh so and so ruined my day today or my neighbor makes me feel bad about myself or my boss…”
“if I don't act like what I'm saying hasn't any value I guarantee nobody else is going to either”
“if I want to be a mentally strong person I'm going to act like a mentally strong person today, if I want to be a…”
From the episode
Amy Morin: Build Mental Strength to Overcome Any Obstacle
Amy Morin