The Liking Principle: Commonalities and Compliments
People say yes to those who are like them and who like them.
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 93%
Nobody is surprised that we prefer to say yes to people we like, but Cialdini identifies two small, high-leverage moves that reliably manufacture liking honestly. The first is pointing to genuine commonalities: people like those who are like them, and finding real parallels produces rapport that makes parties give each other grace. The second is praise: people like those who like them and say so. Cialdini names his own weakness here — he'd think admiring thoughts about his graduate students and never voice them, harvesting none of the goodwill. His fix is a discipline: move the praise from your mind to your tongue.
Origin
Cialdini identifies compliment-giving as his greatest personal weakness. In research meetings he'd think 'that was a brilliant insight' about a graduate student and say it only to himself, capturing none of the goodwill. He made a small switch — voicing any admirable thought the moment he had it — and reports the effects on his interactions have been profoundly positive.
Core principles
- 01People like those who are like them — surface genuine commonalities before negotiating.
- 02People also like those who like them and say so.
- 03Move praise from your mind to your tongue.
- 04It must be genuine: look for what's admirable and comment on it, don't fabricate flattery.
- 05Cold channels like email strip out liking — you have to add it back deliberately.
How to run it
- 1
Front-load personal exchange
Before a difficult negotiation — especially over a bloodless channel like email — trade information about hobbies, interests, family situation, background, and college major.
Pro tip It isn't the volume of information that matters; it's whether parallels emerge.
- 2
Name the parallels out loud
When you spot a real commonality — you're both runners, both only children — say it. The unstated overlap does nothing.
Watch out Manufactured similarity is detectable and converts rapport into suspicion.
- 3
Hunt for what's genuinely admirable
Look for commendable, praiseworthy features of the person in front of you — not a script, an observation.
- 4
Move praise from mind to tongue
The instant you hear yourself thinking something admirable about someone you're dealing with, say it aloud.
Pro tip This is free — you already had the thought; the only cost is voicing it.
Watch out If you find yourself complimenting things that aren't actually praiseworthy, you've become the smuggler.
In the wild
Negotiators worked a very difficult problem over email, a bloodless communication channel. Half went straight to the negotiation; half first exchanged personal information — hobbies, interests, family, background, college major.
→ Deadlocks dropped from 30% to 6%. The driver wasn't the amount of information exchanged but whether parallels appeared inside it — 'you're a runner, I'm a runner.'
As a teenage retail worker, Hala Taha unknowingly complimented every customer who walked in — 'I love your earrings' — then held a conversation and got to know them.
→ She was consistently the top seller, with customers buying substantially more.
Common mistakes
Complimenting things that aren't praiseworthy
'Hey, great shirt there, Jim' is smuggling the principle into a situation where it doesn't exist. If someone keeps praising unremarkable things, that's a red flag they're working you — and your targets read you the same way.
Keeping the admiration internal
Thinking someone did brilliant work and never saying so captures zero of the goodwill. The thought is worthless until it's voiced.
Negotiating cold over email
Email strips out the rapport signals that let people give each other grace. Skipping the personal exchange on a hard problem is how you land in the 30% deadlock bucket.
Is it for you?
Best for
Negotiators, remote teams working over email, and leaders who want higher-functioning working relationships.
Not ideal for
Anyone willing to hand out empty flattery — inauthentic compliments register as a red flag and backfire.
From the transcript
“It wasn't because of the amount of information that had been transmitted between the two parties. It was whether in that information, there were parallels,…”
“I move that praise from my mind to my tongue, and I say it.”
“You find what you like about that person and you tell that person about it who likes you. And by finding something admirable, you've come…”
From the episode
Robert Cialdini: World's #1 Influence and Persuasion Expert Shares All
Robert Cialdini