The Multiplicity of Identities
Nobody is just one identity — elicit and honor the whole person.
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 3
- Confidence
- 83%
A social or 'who are we' conversation is about how we relate to groups and to each other, and it surfaces issues of identity. Duhigg's key insight is that nobody is just one identity — a person is simultaneously a colleague, a parent, a coach, an expert, and more, and each identity offers a different perspective. Reducing someone to a single label ('as a black woman, what do you think of our HR policy?') puts them on the spot and shuts them down. Instead you elicit their multiple identities and voice your own. Because power imbalances destroy conversations, the safest equal ground is personal experience, where each person is the sole expert on themselves.
Origin
Duhigg explored how super communicators handle the hardest social conversations, especially around race and gender. Communication research showed that framing a question around one identity reduces a person and creates a power imbalance, while acknowledging the multitude of identities everyone holds — and grounding talk in personal experience where everyone is an equal expert — keeps the conversation on level footing.
Core principles
- 01Social ('who are we') conversations surface issues of identity and group membership.
- 02None of us is just one person or one identity — everyone contains a multitude.
- 03Reducing someone to a single identity ('as a black woman...') puts them on the spot and shuts them down.
- 04Each of a person's identities gives them a different perspective on a question.
- 05Power imbalances destroy conversations, so seek topics where you're on equal footing.
- 06You are always an equal expert on yourself, so personal experience is level ground.
How to run it
- 1
Recognize the social conversation
Notice when talk turns to groups, membership, or identity — phrases like 'as a dad' or office gossip about departments.
- 2
Elicit multiple identities
Instead of addressing one label, invite the many identities a person holds, since each gives a different perspective on the question.
Watch out Asking someone a question 'as a black woman' or any single identity reduces them and puts them on the spot.
- 3
Voice your own multitudes and level the power
Share several of your own perspectives ('as a dad... as a lawyer... as a colleague') and steer toward topics where you're equally expert — especially personal experience.
Pro tip You are the world's only expert on you, so talking about your own background is always equal footing.
Watch out Signaling that you're richer, more connected, or more expert creates a power imbalance that makes the other person clam up.
In the wild
Asking a colleague 'As a black woman at this company, what do you think of our HR policy?' reduces her to one identity and puts her on the spot. In reality she's also a coworker, a mom, a softball coach, the head of marketing, and a great hirer — each identity offering a perspective.
→ Eliciting all those identities and offering your own multiple perspectives lets everyone feel understood in the social conversation.
Common mistakes
Reducing someone to one identity
Framing a question around a single identity tells the person you've flattened them to one label before the conversation even starts.
Creating a power imbalance
Signaling wealth, connections, or expertise the other person lacks turns a conversation into a monologue as they clam up.
Is it for you?
Best for
Sensitive conversations about race, gender, and identity, and leaders wanting everyone on equal footing.
Not ideal for
Quick practical exchanges where identity and social dynamics aren't in play.
From the transcript
“none of us is just one person none of us is just one identity”
“as a black woman at this company I'm wondering like what do you think of our HR policy that's the exact wrong way to ask…”
“the place where we're most both experts is when we're talking about ourself you are an expert on you and I am an expert on…”
From the episode
Charles Duhigg: Become a Superconnector, How to Build Lasting Relationships That Matter
Charles Duhigg