The Narcissist Detection Checklist

Core principles

• 01Narcissists target people with real light who have not yet realised it
• 02The inconsistency inside you is the nook the narcissist fits into
• 03Love bombing at the start is not evidence of love, it is the setup
• 04Devaluation is functional — they must make you feel bad to feel good
• 05The most reliable test is what happens when you name something hurtful

How to run it

1. 1

   Check your own internal state first

   Before cataloguing their qualities, ask what state you were in when you attracted them. Moore's read is that insecurity, a need for validation and an emptiness inside are the opening the narcissist fits into.

   Pro tip Ask 'what am I projecting onto them that is actually mine?' — the greatness you see in them is often your own unclaimed light.

   Watch out This is not blaming yourself for their behaviour. It is identifying the hook so it stops being available.

2. 2

   Run the blame-reversal test

   Tell them, calmly and specifically, that something they did was hurtful. Watch what comes back. Moore's marker is whether they turn it around and make it your fault — the condoms in the house become you being crazy and making it up.

   Pro tip Do this on a small, low-stakes grievance first. The response pattern is identical regardless of the size of the issue.

   Watch out Repeated blame reversal is gaslighting, and it works — you will start doubting your own memory long before you name the pattern.

3. 3

   Test for empathy and responsibility

   Look for a lack of empathy, an inability to take responsibility for anything, and grandiosity — a need to always be seen favourably that leaves them unable to see anything negative about themselves.

   Watch out Cheating and lying travel together. Moore's line is that a cheater is not necessarily a narcissist, but a cheater is always also lying.

4. 4

   Map the love-bomb-to-devaluation arc

   Narcissists come on strong: overwhelming love and attention that feels like the love you always wanted. Then it turns. Watch for the pivot into criticism, because they have to make you feel bad in order to feel good.

   Pro tip Write down the strongest thing they said in week one. If the tone has inverted by month six, you are on the arc.

   Watch out The intensity of the opening phase is the strongest predictor of the severity of the later phase, not a counterweight to it.

5. 5

   Catch the covert put-downs

   Watch for demeaning remarks delivered as throwaway observations — you weren't born with a good head of hair, my friends said you were a four out of ten, you're lucky I'm with you because nobody else would want you.

   Pro tip Ask 'why would you tell someone that?' The absence of a good answer is the answer.

   Watch out These land hardest on childhood insecurities, which is precisely why they are chosen. Feeling that it must be true is the effect, not evidence.

6. 6

   Check for the isolation endpoint

   The pattern beats you down systematically until you feel isolated, dependent on them, doubting your worth and believing their words. If your truth is being shut down and your intuition is screaming while they insist they are right, those are the warning signs.

   Pro tip Ask a friend who knew you two years ago whether you seem like the same person.

   Watch out Moore's position is that a narcissist is beyond help and beyond repair, and is someone to run from — not someone to fix with couples work.

In the wild

Common mistakes

Is it for you?

From the transcript