Pain-Resistance Suffering Model
Reduce added suffering by separating pain from resistance
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~ongoing to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 96%
The model separates two layers commonly experienced as one. Pain is the natural human response to loss, injury, or disappointment; it includes grief and tears and cannot always be prevented. Suffering increases when the mind resists the event or adds the judgment that the present experience should not be happening. To use the model, describe the raw event and felt pain, then identify the narrative, meaning, and counterfactual demand layered onto it. Stop arguing with the fact that the present moment already exists, while retaining the freedom to act on what happens next. This does not make the event good or remove grief. It reduces the extra emotional load created by requiring reality to be different before you can respond.
Origin
Blackson articulated the distinction after describing the pain of his mother's death and the freedom that came when he stopped resisting that she was going to die.
Core principles
- 01Pain is an unavoidable part of being human
- 02Resistance adds suffering to pain
- 03Judgment about what should be happening intensifies experience
- 04A narrative is not the same as the raw event
- 05Acceptance does not require liking the event
How to run it
- 1
Name the event
Describe what happened in factual language without interpretation or blame.
Pro tip Use one sentence to prevent the story from swallowing the event.
Watch out Factual description should not minimize abuse, injustice, or danger.
- 2
Allow the pain
Identify the grief, fear, sadness, or physical sensation that naturally follows the event.
Pro tip Let tears or grief exist without treating them as failure.
Watch out Acceptance does not mean enduring overwhelming distress without support.
- 3
Find the resistance
Notice the demand that this must not be happening or that you should be having a different experience.
Pro tip Listen for repeated phrases built around should, cannot, or unfair.
Watch out Do not shame yourself for resisting; simply identify the added layer.
- 4
Separate story from reality
List the meanings and predictions you have attached to the event. Mark which are facts and which are interpretations.
Pro tip Ask what remains painful even when the interpretation is removed.
Watch out Some predictions require evidence and planning rather than dismissal.
- 5
Respond from the present
Accept that the event is real now, then choose the next protective, compassionate, or constructive action available.
Watch out Never use acceptance to avoid leaving danger or challenging preventable harm.
In the wild
When Blackson stopped resisting that his mother was going to die, the grief remained, but he became more available to sit through chemotherapy, share ordinary moments, and appreciate each interaction as potentially the last.
→ Acceptance did not remove pain; it freed attention for presence and connection.
After a proposal is rejected, a consultant names the disappointment without adding that the rejection proves her career is over. She reviews the feedback and sends a revised offer to a better-fit client.
→ The painful result remains, while catastrophic interpretation no longer controls the response.
Common mistakes
Trying to eliminate pain
The model does not promise freedom from grief, tears, or other natural human responses.
Calling injustice acceptable
Accepting that an event is occurring is different from approving it or declining to act.
Fighting the resistance
Judging yourself for resisting adds another layer of conflict instead of clarifying the original story.
Is it for you?
Best for
People processing grief, disappointment, or an unwanted event that cannot be undone in the present moment.
Not ideal for
Dangerous or unjust situations where acceptance language could replace protection, boundaries, or corrective action.
From the transcript
“there is a difference between suffering and pain”
“pain is just a natural part of being human it's unavoidable”
“suffering is really what happens when you're either in resistance to what's happening or you have a narrative that the experience that i'm experiencing is…”
From the episode
Kute Blackson: The Magic of Surrender
Kute Blackson