Positive Curious Energy (Never Match Their Energy)
Matching their energy makes you the second mover. Go first, positive and curious.
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~ongoing to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 85%
Voss reads the counterpart's energy as intelligence — distracted means other pressures and probably no deal, while aggressive energy is good news because it signals an intent to deal with you. But he rejects the common advice to match it. Matching makes you the second mover, and in a sequential-move game the second mover can at best tie: that's why you go first in tic-tac-toe and why white has the advantage in chess. Instead you set the energy: positive and genuinely curious, always. Curiosity, borrowed from Taleb's Antifragile, isn't a tactic but a way of being — genuine curiosity brings out the best in both the other side and yourself.
Origin
Voss used to illustrate the first-mover point by playing tic-tac-toe with negotiation students. He grounds the curiosity half in Nassim Taleb's Antifragile — the same author whose Black Swan inspired the name of Voss's company — where Taleb argues curiosity is an anti-fragile mindset that grows from negative events rather than merely surviving them.
Core principles
- 01The counterpart's energy is a dead giveaway as to what they have in mind.
- 02Distracted energy means no deal; aggressive energy actually signals intent to deal.
- 03Never match their energy — matching makes you the second mover, and second movers can only tie.
- 04Curiosity is an anti-fragile mindset: an energy, a demeanor, a way of being.
- 05You're 31% smarter in a positive frame of mind, and no one collaborates well in a negative one.
How to run it
- 1
Read their energy as intelligence
Stop, perceive, and add it up. Are they distracted? Focused on you? Is there a good vibe? The energy tells you what they have in mind.
Pro tip Distracted means they're not looking to make a deal, or something's in the way — other pressures. They probably won't deal.
- 2
Reframe aggression as a buy signal
A lot of people misinterpret aggressive energy as bad. It isn't. Aggression from a counterpart signals an intent to deal with you.
- 3
Refuse to match it
Don't mirror their energy. Matching makes you the second mover, and in a sequential-move game the best a second mover can do is tie.
Pro tip The tic-tac-toe demonstration: go first and know what you're doing and you can't lose — win or tie. Go second and a tie is your ceiling. Chess is the same, which is why white has the advantage.
- 4
Bring positive and genuinely curious
No matter what energy they bring, come positive and come curious. Curiosity is an energy, a demeanor, a way of being — and genuine curiosity brings out the best in both sides.
Pro tip Voss cites Mark Cuban: portrayed as a bully on Shark Tank, but actually positive, and everything he does is about a great long-term relationship — which is how you make a lot of money.
Watch out It has to be genuine. Performed curiosity won't produce the effect.
- 5
Defuse their negative rather than manufacture positive
The goal is to get them out of a negative mindset, not to force them into a positive one. There's a real big difference. No one collaborates well in a negative mindset — negative mindsets are a downward spiral.
Pro tip Do a gratitude exercise when you first get out of bed. Our default wiring is negative — it's what kept the caveman alive — so treat it as mental hygiene.
In the wild
Teaching negotiation, Voss would have students play tic-tac-toe and ask what's wrong with it — do you want to be first or second? Tic-tac-toe is a sequential-move game: I go, then you go, which is what a lot of negotiations are. If you go first and know what you're doing, you can't lose: win or tie. Go second and the best you can do is tie.
→ Students grasp why matching a counterpart's energy is a losing structural choice — it hands them the first move and caps your own outcome at a tie.
Voss explains why every counterpart arrives somewhat negative: our default wiring is on the negative side because it kept the cavemen alive. The optimistic caveman got eaten by the bear every time; the negative pessimistic one said 'I'm getting out of here' and lived.
→ Voss concludes his counterpart will be negative because they're human, so he throws defusing statements out right off the bat and sprinkles them in periodically — rather than being surprised by the negativity.
Common mistakes
Matching their energy
It's common advice and it's structurally wrong. Matching means responding, which makes you the second mover in a sequential-move game, and the second mover's ceiling is a tie.
Reading aggression as a bad sign
Aggressive energy from a counterpart is good news — it signals intent to deal with you. The genuinely bad sign is distraction, which means other pressures are in the way and they probably won't deal.
Trying to make them positive instead of defusing the negative
Voss is explicit that there's a real big difference. You throw out defusing statements to neutralize the negative wiring, not to manufacture cheerfulness.
Is it for you?
Best for
Anyone walking into adversarial or emotionally charged negotiations who needs to set rather than absorb the tone.
Not ideal for
Contexts where relentless positivity would read as tone-deaf, such as genuine grief or crisis where the counterpart needs acknowledgment first.
From the transcript
“I don't believe in matching people's energy because that makes you the second mover.”
“If they have an aggressive energy towards you, which a lot of people might misinterpret as being bad, the good news is they're looking to…”
“He says curiosity is an anti-fragile mindset. It's an energy, it's a demeanor, it's a way of being. If you're genuinely curious you're gonna bring…”
From the episode
Christopher Voss: Negotiate Like a Boss
Christopher Voss