The Three Kinds of Empathy
Know their thoughts, feel their feelings, want their good — miss the third and you're a manipulator.
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 94%
Goleman splits empathy into three distinct kinds with different mechanisms. Cognitive empathy is knowing what someone thinks and how they see the world — useful for reframing after an argument, as in 'maybe she got mad because of this other thing that doesn't really have to do with me.' Emotional empathy is feeling what they feel, because the brain is wired to lock in and form an emotional bridge with the brain of the person you're with — it happens instantly, unconsciously, and spontaneously; you don't do it, it just happens. Empathic concern means caring about them and wanting their good. Cognitive and emotional empathy without concern is manipulative empathy — Goleman's characterization of sociopaths, who he notes carry a premium in politics.
Origin
Goleman locates empathy as the third domain of his four-part EQ model, built on the brain-and-emotion research of the early 1990s. He connects the emotional-bridge mechanism to mindfulness practice, which he says supports empathy and presence by letting you pay full attention to the person in front of you — the basis of rapport.
Core principles
- 01Cognitive empathy: I understand your perspective and how you think about it.
- 02Emotional empathy: I feel what you feel — the brain locks in and forms an emotional bridge instantly, unconsciously, without your choosing it.
- 03Empathic concern: I care about you and want what's good for you.
- 04The first two without the third produce manipulative empathy — Goleman's diagnosis of sociopaths.
- 05Full attention is the precondition for rapport; if you're looking at your phone it doesn't happen.
How to run it
- 1
Use cognitive empathy to reframe
Understand the other person's perspective. After an argument, ask whether this actually means what you assumed — maybe it isn't that he doesn't like you anymore, maybe it's something happening in his life. Goleman calls this cognitive reframing.
Pro tip This is the fastest of the three to deploy in conflict, because it works on your own interpretation rather than requiring anything from them.
- 2
Notice and manage emotional empathy
Recognize that you're automatically picking up what the other person feels — the emotional bridge forms without your consent. After an argument you may have a lot of emotional reverberation simply because they're upset and so you're upset.
Watch out Unmanaged emotional empathy makes their upset your upset, which fuels the argument instead of resolving it. Manage the after-effect.
- 3
Apply empathic concern
Ask whether you want to help the other person too, not just yourself. If you genuinely care about them the answer is probably yes — and that's what generates a strategy for mending the relationship rather than winning it.
Watch out Empathy without concern is defective emotional intelligence — knowing exactly how to move someone while not caring what happens to them.
- 4
Give full attention as the precondition
Empathy and presence require paying full attention to the person in front of you — that's the basis of rapport. Mindfulness practice is what builds the attentional capacity for it.
Watch out If you're looking at your phone, rapport is not going to happen. The other two kinds of empathy never get a chance to fire.
In the wild
You've just had an argument and you're reading it as a verdict on the relationship. Cognitive empathy asks a different question: maybe this argument doesn't mean he doesn't like me anymore — maybe it's because of something happening in his life.
→ The reframe changes what you're actually upset about, which Goleman says can be very helpful in getting over the argument.
Hala raises people who know all the ways to manipulate others with emotional intelligence but don't care about them. Goleman names it: sociopaths.
→ He classifies it as defective emotional intelligence — they don't have true empathy, they have manipulative empathy — and notes there's a premium on that in politics.
Common mistakes
Treating empathy as one skill
Being good at reading what people think tells you nothing about whether you feel with them or want their good. Diagnosing which of the three is missing is the whole value of the split.
Chasing rapport while divided
Rapport rests on full attention. Trying to be empathic with your phone in your field of view means the bridge never forms, no matter how good your intentions.
Is it for you?
Best for
Repairing relationships after conflict, and anyone in leadership who needs to diagnose which part of empathy they're actually missing.
Not ideal for
People who mainly need boundaries — high emotional empathy without management skill produces reverberation, not help.
From the transcript
“the third part of emotional intelligence is empathy tuning into other people there are three kinds cognitive knowing what they're thinking how they see the…”
“emotional empathy it means that i feel what you feel and it's because the brain is wired to lock in and form an emotional bridge…”
“they have a defective emotional intelligence they don't have true empathy they have a manipulative empathy”
From the episode
Daniel Goleman: Level Up Your Emotional Intelligence
Daniel Goleman