The Three Questions Before Speaking
Filter an emotional response for necessity, ownership, and timing
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 99%
Before speaking or sending a message in an emotional moment, run the response through three sequential tests: necessity, ownership, and timing. First decide whether the point genuinely needs saying. Then decide whether you are the right person to say it. Finally decide whether it must be said now. A no at any stage changes the action: discard the comment, let someone better placed handle it, or delay until emotions and circumstances improve. The filter turns vague advice to think before speaking into a repeatable decision rule. It also supports decisive communication: when all three answers are yes, you can deliver the message with greater confidence because you have deliberately tested its purpose and timing.
Origin
Justin Bariso learned the three questions from comedian and television personality Craig Ferguson, who joked that it took three marriages to learn the lesson. Bariso says he uses the filter every day at work and at home.
Core principles
- 01A necessary message can still arrive at the wrong time
- 02Not every true thought needs to be voiced by you
- 03A deliberate pause improves confidence when all three tests pass
How to run it
- 1
Test necessity
Ask whether the thought genuinely needs to be said. If it adds no value or only releases emotion, do not voice it.
Pro tip Separate the need to solve a problem from the urge to discharge frustration.
- 2
Test ownership
Ask whether you are the person who needs to deliver the message. Let a better-placed person handle it when appropriate.
Watch out Being addressed directly does not make an immediate emotional reply wise.
- 3
Test timing
Ask whether the message needs to be delivered now. Delay it when the content matters but the moment is wrong.
Pro tip Take a walk or wait 30 minutes before returning to an angry email.
- 4
Act on the result
Discard, delegate, delay, or speak according to the three answers. When all are yes, communicate clearly and confidently.
Watch out For highly introverted people, overusing this filter may reinforce silence.
In the wild
An upsetting email creates an urge to respond immediately. The response passes necessity and ownership, but fails the timing test. The recipient waits, takes a walk, and returns with a calmer reply.
→ The necessary message is sent without the avoidable damage of an emotional first draft.
A concern with a partner needs to be discussed and must come from you, but the current moment is poorly timed. You deliberately defer the conversation rather than suppressing it.
→ The issue is still addressed, but in conditions more likely to produce a useful response.
Common mistakes
Treating every yes as yes now
A message can be necessary and yours to deliver while still failing the timing test.
Using the filter to stay silent
People who already hold back may need to ask whether they will regret not speaking instead.
Is it for you?
Best for
People who react quickly during conflict, frustration, or high emotion.
Not ideal for
Habitually silent people who already need encouragement to contribute.
From the transcript
“does this need to be said does this need to be said by me does this need to be said by me now”
“I know because I use this every single day of my life”
“I do need to say this but this might not be the best time for it”
From the episode
YAPClassic: Justin Bariso on Boosting Your EQ
YAPClassic