The Three Types of Common Ground
Manufacture similarity three ways: contemporaneous, temporal, and vicarious.
- Difficulty
- Starter
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 85%
Common ground works because people like people who share the things they do — similarity plus familiarity produce liking. Schafer's contribution is that common ground has three distinct forms, and most people only hunt for the first. Contemporaneous common ground is a shared present: you attend the same university, you're both from New York, right now. Temporal common ground is the same experience separated in time: you're from New York and I've visited New York several times — over time, we share the experience even though we were never there together. Vicarious common ground runs through a third person: you're from New York, my daughter lives in New York, so we share common ground through her. Recognising all three means you can almost always find an overlap, and once you have it, liking follows.
Origin
Extracted from Young and Profiting
Core principles
- 01People like people who are similar and familiar to them.
- 02Shared experience does not have to be simultaneous.
- 03A third person can carry the connection for you.
- 04Common ground is found, not forced.
- 05Always be looking for the overlap.
How to run it
- 1
Hunt for contemporaneous common ground
Look for overlap in the present: the same institution, the same city, the same event you're both currently at. This is the most obvious form and the one most people stop at.
Pro tip The room you're both standing in is itself contemporaneous common ground.
- 2
Widen to temporal common ground
If there's no present overlap, look for the same experience at different times. They're from New York and you've visited several times — over time you share that experience.
Pro tip Travel, past jobs and past schools are dense sources of temporal overlap.
Watch out Don't inflate a single visit into a claim of insider knowledge.
- 3
Reach for vicarious common ground
If neither works, connect through a third person. They're from New York, your daughter lives in New York — you now share common ground through her.
Pro tip Vicarious common ground makes almost any person reachable, since your network extends your surface area.
- 4
Surface it, then hand the floor back
Name the overlap out loud, then follow with an empathic statement rather than your own story. The overlap is the bridge; their world is the destination.
Pro tip Combine with the empathic statement construction: 'So you...'
Watch out Finding common ground and then talking about yourself wastes the bridge you just built.
In the wild
Schafer walks through the same connection three ways. Contemporaneous: you're a student at Western Illinois University and I'm a student at Western Illinois University — we share it right now. Temporal: you're from New York and I've been to New York several times, so over time we share that experience. Vicarious: you're from New York and my daughter lives in New York, so we have common ground through a third person.
→ One fact about a stranger yields three distinct routes to shared ground.
At a conference you meet someone whose industry, city and background share nothing with yours. Contemporaneous fails. But they mention they spent two years in Lisbon; you spent a summer there a decade earlier — temporal common ground. They also mention a former manager who turns out to be someone in your network — vicarious common ground. Two overlaps found from a person you had 'nothing in common' with.
→ An apparently dead conversation gets two live threads.
Common mistakes
Only looking for present-tense overlap
Most people search for contemporaneous common ground, find none, and give up — missing the temporal and vicarious routes entirely.
Fabricating the overlap
Claiming a shared experience you don't have collapses the moment it's probed, and takes the whole relationship with it.
Is it for you?
Best for
Networkers, salespeople and anyone in rooms full of strangers.
Not ideal for
Deep relationship maintenance, where shared history already exists and needs no manufacturing.
From the transcript
“common ground is another very powerful way to get people to like you because if we share the same things we have a tendency to…”
“we have common ground through my daughter and that's called vicarious common ground so we share common ground through a third person”
From the episode
Dr. Jack Schafer: Turn On The Like Switch
Dr. Jack Schafer