Working With Emotions (Elephant and Rider)
You don't control emotions, you work with them, in calm before intense conditions.
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 3
- Confidence
- 87%
Gervais reframes emotional command: you don't control emotions, you work with them, because an emotion is like an elephant that will run when it wants to, and you are the rider. Emotional intelligence, unlike largely-fixed general intelligence, is a learned skill built by naming and following feelings. He distinguishes public, observable emotions from private feelings that only you can name. Critically, you must practice emotions across calm, moderate, and intense environments in sequence, because a skill built only in calm won't show up when stress spikes.
Origin
Drawn from Gervais's coaching of leaders and athletes, where emotional regulation practiced only in the heat of the moment consistently failed.
Core principles
- 01Emotional intelligence is a learned skill, unlike general intelligence which is largely fixed.
- 02You work with emotions rather than control them; the emotion is an elephant and you are the rider.
- 03Emotions are public and observable; feelings are private and must be named and followed.
- 04Practice emotions in calm, then moderate, then intense conditions, in that arc.
How to run it
- 1
Practice in calm conditions
Use meditation, journaling, conversations with people of wisdom, and situations that let you feel and name emotions in a low-stress setting first.
Pro tip Naming an emotion and following a feeling are two of the biggest skills to have in your performance bucket.
- 2
Distinguish emotions from feelings
Recognize emotions as the public, observable physical signals (breathing, pounding heart, shaking hands) and feelings as the private meaning (scared versus excited) only you can name.
- 3
Work with, don't control
Treat the emotion as an elephant that will run when it runs; ride it and work with it strategically rather than trying to clamp it down.
Pro tip As a leader, present the emotion in a way that brings out the team's best rather than choking them off.
Watch out Trying to control emotions in a high-stress moment without prior practice at calm and moderate levels means it won't be there for you.
In the wild
Gervais walked through handling a teammate who ignored a known SOP and upset a client. He'd name his own emotional state ('I'm hot and frustrated' or 'I'm nervous this happens again') so the person can settle, having already learned how each teammate wants to be coached.
→ By working his emotions rather than letting emotions work him, he keeps the correction in service of performance rather than sending damaging ripples through the team.
Common mistakes
Trying to sort emotions out in the moment
Expecting to handle emotions well in a high-stress moment without practicing at calm and moderate levels first guarantees they won't be available.
Trying to control instead of working with
Emotions are like an elephant that runs when it wants to; clamping down fails where riding and working with them succeeds.
Is it for you?
Best for
Leaders and executives whose team outcomes hinge on their emotional composure under pressure.
Not ideal for
People expecting to suppress or fully control emotions rather than work with them.
From the transcript
“emotions are a little bit like the elephant and you are the rider and when an elephant... wants to run it's going to run”
“emotional intelligence as one of the core foundations for living a good life is a learned skill”
From the episode
Dr. Michael Gervais: How to Perform Under Pressure Without Destroying Your Mental Health
Dr. Michael Gervais