The Board of Directors (Feedback vs BS Filter)
Assemble trusted people who can gut-check whether it's real feedback or a coded word.
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~months to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 90%
Carter's answer to 'how do we tell sexism from feedback' has two parts. First, understand the structure: women in negotiation walk a tightrope demonstrated by research — on one side you're too nice, a worker bee with no leadership potential; on the other you're aggressive, abrasive, or worse. These coded words are code for 'please stay in the box I would like you to be in.' Second, build the filter: a board of directors, a few trusted people you can go to for a gut check on whether something is feedback or BS, and on whether you're describing yourself well enough in your self-evaluation. She notes the reason it's needed — 98% of you can know it's absolutely not true, but 2% gets in your head and makes you doubt yourself. In the moment, the counter-move is to summarise the comment back, ask 'did I get that right?', then ask what the word actually means — which forces the person to get concrete, and if they have no reason, forces them to see it.
Origin
Carter received a version of this herself in law school, competing in a prestigious competition: she was told she was too aggressive and had cut her male colleagues off — when her own tally showed they had cut her off more than she'd cut them. The final piece of feedback was that her voice didn't match her body type, because she has a big loud commanding voice and is a small person. She also runs Stand Up Girls, a nonprofit teaching girls from underserved communities the communication skills to succeed in a male-dominated workplace.
Core principles
- 01Women in negotiation walk a tightrope: too nice means no leadership potential, assertive means abrasive.
- 02Coded words are code for 'please stay in the box I'd like you to be in.'
- 0398% of you can know it's untrue and the 2% still gets in your head — that's why you need external gut-checks.
- 04Assemble a board of directors: trusted people who speak truth into your life.
- 05Use them to decide what is feedback and what is BS.
- 06Force the concrete: ask what the word actually means and go silent.
How to run it
- 1
Recognise the tightrope
Understand the research-demonstrated structure: too nice reads as worker bee with no leadership potential; assertive reads as aggressive or abrasive. There is no compliant position on the rope.
- 2
Name the coded word for what it is
Words like abrasive are code for 'please stay in the box I would like you to be in.' Naming the mechanism drains some of its power.
Pro tip Ruth Bader Ginsburg graduated number one in her Columbia Law class and her nickname was the b-word. Told about it, she replied: 'better than mouse.'
Watch out The hard part is that 98% of you can know it's untrue and 2% still gets in your head and makes you doubt yourself.
- 3
Assemble your board of directors
Put a few trusted people around you who can truly speak truth into your life. Go to them for a gut check on whether something is feedback or BS, and on whether you're describing yourself well enough in your self-evaluation.
- 4
Force the concrete in the moment
Summarise the comment back neutrally and ask 'did I get that right?' Sometimes by then they have enough self-awareness to hear themselves. If not, ask 'can you tell me more about what abrasive means?' and sit in silence.
Pro tip It forces the person to get really concrete. If they don't have a reason — if it's just that they don't like that you're a leader — it forces them to see that.
- 5
Build evidence and recruit allies
Gather your mountain of evidence — screenshots of positive feedback, colleagues and partners who can speak to your work — and recruit allies who will ask for examples on your behalf when you can't be in the room.
Pro tip Getting allies is key when you're facing this type of situation.
In the wild
Competing in a prestigious law school competition, Carter was told she was too aggressive and had cut her male colleagues off — though she'd been keeping track and they had cut her off more than she'd cut them. The final piece of feedback was that her voice didn't match her body type, because she has a big loud commanding voice and is a small person.
→ She remembers thinking 'wow, you thought that in your brain and then you said it out loud' — and it became the origin of her framing of coded words as boxes.
Hala, promoted five times at HP over five years with no such feedback, suddenly received 'abrasive' in her Disney 360 review from one senior executive. Her direct manager removed it, saying it wasn't correct and that she'd been on many calls and meetings with her. Hala pushed back with the managers on the call: next time he says that, ask him for examples, talk to the other partners I've worked with, and I can give you screenshots of positive feedback from colleagues and partners across the business unit.
→ Carter's verdict: she handled it in an assertive and tactful way, and it's a great blueprint — in the absence of being able to talk to him directly, she recruited a lot of allies and built strong support.
Common mistakes
Absorbing the coded word alone
Without external gut-checks, the 2% of doubt does its work. Carter noticed Hala simultaneously saying she knew it was ridiculous while listing everyone who disagreed with it — trying to convince herself as much as anyone.
Accepting a vague characterisation without forcing examples
Coded words survive on vagueness. Asking what the word means and then sitting in silence either produces concrete evidence or exposes that there is none.
Is it for you?
Best for
Women and anyone from a traditionally underrepresented background receiving coded feedback in reviews.
Not ideal for
Genuinely specific, evidence-backed feedback — the board is a filter, not a way to dismiss all criticism.
From the transcript
“women in negotiation walk a tightrope this has been demonstrated by research where on the one side ... we are too nice we're worker bees…”
“these coded words you know that people use in the workplace against women are just that they are code right for please stay in the…”
“it's really important number one for women to have what i call a board of directors around them that they trust”
“can you tell me more about what abrasive means because it forces the person to get really concrete and if they don't have a reason…”
From the episode
Alexandra Carter: Negotiate Anything
Alexandra Carter