Contrary to the belief that emotions hurt deals, Carter argues feelings are essential to decision-making. She encourages identifying your own emotions and reading others' nonverbal cues to uncover real concerns and motivations.

Feelings drive decisions, even in business.
Writing down emotions beforehand reduces anxiety.
Negative feelings reveal what you truly need (e.g., respect).
Nonverbal cues often reveal more than words.

“Feelings are how we make decisions. People without the ability to process feelings can't make decisions.”
Alexandra Carter · 40:15

#negotiation#emotions#decision-making#psychology

Hot Take· 1

Hot Take31:00

Abusive Feedback Is Often Code for 'Don't Be a Strong Woman'

Carter addresses how women are often labeled 'abrasive' when they lead assertively—a double standard rooted in bias. She shares personal stories and strategies for handling such feedback with confidence and allies.

'Abrasive' is often a coded word used against assertive women.
Women walk a tightrope between being too passive or too aggressive.
Having a 'board of directors'—trusted advisors—helps distinguish real feedback from bias.
Acknowledging difficult people can disarm tension and build support.

“'Abrasive' is one of those coded words... it's code for please stay in the box that I would like you to be in.”
Alexandra Carter · 33:00

#gender#leadership#bias#workplace

Explainer· 2

Explainer10:00

Negotiation Is Steering a Relationship, Not Just Haggling

Alexandra Carter redefines negotiation using the metaphor of steering a kayak. Instead of viewing negotiation as a one-time haggle over money, she teaches that every conversation where you guide a relationship toward a desired outcome is a negotiation. This mindset shift allows people to negotiate continuously and more effectively.

Negotiation is not just about money or formal talks.
It's any conversation where you're steering a relationship toward a goal.
The kayak metaphor illustrates how small, consistent adjustments lead to big outcomes.
This approach empowers people to negotiate in everyday situations.

“Negotiation is really any conversation in which you are steering a relationship.”
Alexandra Carter · 10:45

#negotiation#communication#relationships#metaphor

Explainer11:30

The Two Phases of Negotiation: Mirror and Window

Carter breaks down negotiation into two phases: 'Mirror' questions, which are internal reflections you ask yourself before negotiating, and 'Window' questions, which are used during the actual conversation with the other party. This framework helps build self-awareness and gather critical information.

Mirror questions prepare you by clarifying your goals and past successes.
Window questions help you understand the other side's perspective.
Asking 'What's the problem you're trying to solve?' prevents misaligned efforts.
Asking 'How have I handled this successfully before?' boosts confidence.

“Before you sit down, you have to take a look in the mirror to really prepare yourself.”
Alexandra Carter · 11:50

#negotiation#self-awareness#strategy#questions

Tool· 3

Tool16:00

Start Every Negotiation With 'Tell Me'

Carter recommends beginning every negotiation with 'Tell me...' to invite the other party to share their perspective. This simple phrase builds trust, gathers valuable information, and often reveals the real reasons behind past failures or resistance.

'Tell me how you're seeing the sector' opened up a six-figure deal.
It replaces aggressive pitches with curiosity and connection.
People reveal key concerns when invited to speak first.
Builds rapport and uncovers hidden obstacles.

“Tell me are the two magic words that you should use to start every negotiation.”
Alexandra Carter · 16:25

#negotiation#communication#trust#questions

Tool17:30

Turn a 'No' Into a 'Yes' by Asking About Concerns

Instead of arguing after a 'no,' ask 'What are your concerns?' This reframes the conversation, lets the other person diagnose the problem, and allows you to solve it collaboratively. Carter used this to save book events during the pandemic.

Asking about concerns uncovers the real obstacle.
People are more willing to share when asked directly.
Once the concern is known, it can often be addressed.
This turns rejection into problem-solving.

“I called up and I would say one by one: what are your concerns?”
Alexandra Carter · 17:45

#negotiation#objection-handling#communication#pandemic

Tool19:00

Use Silence as a Negotiation Tool: 'Land the Plane'

After asking a question or making an offer, stop talking. Letting silence sit—'landing the plane'—encourages the other person to speak, often revealing more than intended or accepting your offer without counter-demand.

Silence creates space for the other party to respond.
People often bid against themselves if you keep talking.
Comfort with silence increases deal success and earnings.
It's like a muscle—practice builds tolerance.

“Do not keep talking. Do not keep your plane in the air. I want you to bring that plane in for a landing and allow…”
Alexandra Carter · 19:20

#negotiation#communication#tactics#silence

Takeaway· 2

Takeaway48:00

You Can Still Ask for More During a Crisis

Carter rejects the idea that asking for more is inappropriate during hard times. Instead, she frames it as teaching others how to value you—and as an act of service to those who come after you, especially women and underrepresented groups.

Asking for more shows leadership and self-advocacy.
It sets a precedent for fair compensation for others.
Specialized skills, increased responsibilities, or outperformance justify raises.
Negotiating is a way to 'pay it forward.'

“When you teach someone how to value you, you teach them how to value all of us.”
Alexandra Carter · 51:45

#negotiation#salary#pandemic#advocacy

Takeaway52:30

Only Do What Only You Can Do

Carter's personal motto, inspired by a student from India, is to focus exclusively on work that aligns with her unique calling: using negotiation for service, equity, and empowerment. This clarity drives her success and fulfillment.

Focus on what only you are uniquely called to do.
Avoid being a carbon copy of others.
Service and empowerment are her core values.
This focus is her 'seat of power.'

“Only do what only you can do.”
Alexandra Carter · 52:45

#purpose#values#career#fulfillment

Frameworks in this episode

Acknowledgement (Stroking) for Difficult People

Ask For More in a Downturn

Full Summary Reframe ("How Did I Do?")

I Never Request, I Recruit

Land the Plane

Mirror Questions (Negotiate With Yourself First)

Only Do What Only You Can Do

Tell Me (The Window Opener)

The Big Two: Defusing Fear and Guilt

The Board of Directors (Feedback vs BS Filter)

The F-Word: Feelings as Negotiation Data

The Kayak Definition of Negotiation

The No Buster: What Are Your Concerns?

Insights & moments

⚡Myth Buster· 1

Feelings Are Not the Enemy in Negotiations

◆Hot Take· 1

Abusive Feedback Is Often Code for 'Don't Be a Strong Woman'

✶Explainer· 2

Negotiation Is Steering a Relationship, Not Just Haggling

The Two Phases of Negotiation: Mirror and Window

✦Tool· 3

Start Every Negotiation With 'Tell Me'

Turn a 'No' Into a 'Yes' by Asking About Concerns

Use Silence as a Negotiation Tool: 'Land the Plane'

▲Takeaway· 2

You Can Still Ask for More During a Crisis

Only Do What Only You Can Do

Myth Buster· 1

Hot Take· 1

Explainer· 2

Tool· 3

Takeaway· 2