Mirror Questions (Negotiate With Yourself First)
The negotiation starts before the other person is in the room — with you.
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 95%
Mirror questions are the first section of Ask for More, and they're first for a reason. Having coached diplomats, executives, judges and HR professionals, Carter found the number one mistake was assuming the negotiation begins when you sit down across from someone — by then you've missed at least half of what makes it work. What was missed is negotiating the relationship with yourself: defining the real problem, recalling prior successes, and surfacing your own feelings. Carter runs the mirror questions almost daily and gets through them in 15 minutes, ending with a plan of action and clarity on what she needs to do. Crucially, before anyone else is looking at you, you have to be able to look at yourself and know you're worth what you're about to ask for.
Origin
Carter noticed across years of coaching diplomats, executives, judges and HR professionals that the universal failure point wasn't tactics at the table — it was that nobody had negotiated with themselves first. She also wrote it from personal experience: for years as a young professional she was far better at negotiating for others than for herself.
Core principles
- 01The number one mistake is believing the negotiation starts when you sit down with someone else.
- 02You must negotiate the relationship with yourself before you negotiate with anyone else.
- 03Preparation is not research — it's asking yourself the right questions.
- 04Clarity in the mirror produces calm, confidence and clarity at the table.
How to run it
- 1
Recognise the negotiation has already started
Accept that by the time you sit down opposite someone, at least half of what determines the outcome has already happened. The prep is the negotiation.
Watch out If you think it starts at the table, you've already forfeited half your leverage.
- 2
Ask: what's the problem I'm trying to solve?
Define the real problem before generating any solutions. In a crisis people spin and throw everything at the wall; the mirror question forces you to name what you're actually solving for.
Pro tip Distinguish 'revenue in the door this month at any cost' from 'figure out how to pivot the business' — they produce completely different action plans.
- 3
Ask: how have I handled this successfully in the past?
Recall a prior success and write down in detail how you achieved it. Research shows that going into a negotiation having just thought about a prior success makes you perform better.
Pro tip If you're great at this for the company, write down exactly what makes you great — then turn those same strategies on yourself.
Watch out Most people do the opposite and prime themselves with 'last time this went badly,' which degrades performance.
- 4
Write down what you feel
Capture all the feelings in advance — the good, the bad, the ugly, the ones you wish you didn't have. Writing them down before makes you calmer and more controlled at the table.
- 5
Confirm your own worth before the room sees you
Before they're looking at you, you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and know you're worth what you're about to ask for. Otherwise you won't project the same calm, confidence and clarity.
Pro tip Budget 15 minutes. Carter runs the full mirror set daily in that time and comes out with a plan of action.
In the wild
In May 2020 a company came to Carter having lost an entire segment of its business, short on June revenue, planning to blast its whole rolodex for new clients. Carter stopped them and asked the first mirror question: what's the problem you're trying to solve? Are you trying to bring in revenue at any cost, or figure out how to pivot the business, or find your best yeses for here and beyond?
→ Defining the right problem changed the plan entirely — from blasting 2,000 people to sending targeted pitches to 5 or 10.
A very senior person at an organisation told Carter she was great at negotiating for others but struggled to do it for herself. Carter gave her the chapter four question: how have I handled this successfully in the past? — and told her to write down in detail what made her great for the company.
→ The prior-success recall let her take the strategies she used on the company's behalf and apply them to herself.
Common mistakes
Jumping straight to solutions
People skip defining the problem and start throwing solutions at the wall, especially under crisis pressure. Solving the wrong problem efficiently is still failure.
Priming yourself with past failures
Walking in thinking 'last time this didn't go well, I messed this up' measurably degrades performance. The research points the other way — recall a success instead.
Assuming prep takes too long to bother
People skip the mirror because they think it's a big exercise. It's 15 minutes and produces a plan of action.
Is it for you?
Best for
People who negotiate well for others but freeze or shrink when advocating for themselves.
Not ideal for
Ambush negotiations with zero warning where there is literally no time to prepare (though even 15 minutes counts).
From the transcript
“the number one mistake that people made was they thought the negotiations started the moment they sat down with somebody else and at that point…”
“they didn't negotiate the relationship with themselves first”
“do you know that if you go into a negotiation having just thought about a prior success you're likely to perform better”
“these days i do the mirror questions like almost every day i can get through them in 15 minutes and in 15 minutes i have…”
From the episode
Alexandra Carter: Negotiate Anything
Alexandra Carter