The Kayak Definition of Negotiation
Negotiation isn't haggling over money — it's any conversation where you steer a relationship.
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~ongoing to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 95%
Carter's central reframe came from a kayak guide on her honeymoon telling her to 'negotiate your kayaks to the left.' The word negotiate, used that way, means steer. So negotiation is any conversation in which you are steering a relationship — not just a back-and-forth over money. This expands the definition to include every touchpoint with a boss, client, colleague or spouse, and it means you should be extracting value and teaching people how to value you continuously, not waiting for the annual salary conversation. When you steer those everyday conversations effectively, the money conversations go a whole lot better and land in your favour.
Origin
In 2006, on her honeymoon in Hawaii on the Wailua River, Carter's kayak guide turned back and said 'please negotiate your kayaks to the left because we want to end up on that beach up there.' Something clicked: negotiating a kayak means steering it. That reframe became the spine of her book Ask for More.
Core principles
- 01Negotiation is steering, not fighting.
- 02Every conversation is an opportunity to create value, not just the once-a-year money conversation.
- 03If you steer the small conversations well, the money conversations resolve in your favour.
- 04Waiting for the formal negotiation means you've already lost most of your leverage.
How to run it
- 1
Drop the money-only definition
Stop equating negotiation with a back-and-forth over price or salary. Recognise that this narrow view means you're missing most of what actually determines the outcome.
Pro tip Ask yourself: how many conversations this week did I have that I never labelled a negotiation but that moved a relationship?
- 2
Redefine it as steering a relationship
Treat any conversation where you're moving a relationship toward a destination as a negotiation. That includes check-ins, casual calls, and conversations at home.
- 3
Name your destination beach
Before the conversation, decide where you want to end up — the equivalent of the beach the kayak guide pointed at. Without a destination, steering is meaningless.
- 4
Teach value continuously, not annually
Don't wait for the once-a-year conversation with your boss to say 'keep me in mind at salary time,' and don't wait until you're haggling deal terms to teach a client how to value you. Do it in every conversation along the way.
Pro tip Get value out of every conversation you have — then the money conversation is a formality, not a fight.
Watch out If you only show up to steer at the money conversation, you're arriving after the current has already carried you past the beach.
In the wild
On her 2006 honeymoon in Hawaii, Carter and her husband were in a kayak when the guide turned back and told them to 'negotiate your kayaks to the left' toward the target beach. She realised that in that sentence, negotiate simply meant steer.
→ The moment reframed her entire understanding of negotiation and became the founding metaphor of Ask for More.
After the book came out, Carter began receiving daily emails from readers applying the steering definition across wildly different stakes — job offers, pricing, household rules.
→ Readers reported outcomes like '$30,000 more on a job offer,' 'I just raised my prices 53%,' and 'I just got my spouse to take off their shoes when they come in the house.'
Common mistakes
Treating negotiation as an event rather than a continuous practice
If you think negotiation only happens when money is on the table, you skip all the conversations where you could have been teaching people your value. You then arrive at the money conversation with no accumulated equity.
Steering without a destination
The kayak metaphor only works if you know which beach you're heading for. Steering with no defined outcome is just paddling.
Is it for you?
Best for
Anyone who feels uncomfortable with adversarial negotiation and wants a style built on steering and relationships rather than aggression.
Not ideal for
Pure one-shot transactional haggles with a counterparty you will never see again and have no relationship to steer.
From the transcript
“please negotiate your kayaks to the left because we want to end up on that beach up there”
“negotiation is really any conversation in which you are steering a relationship”
“You can and should be getting value out of every conversation you have and when you steer those effectively then the money conversations are going…”
From the episode
Alexandra Carter: Negotiate Anything
Alexandra Carter