I Never Request, I Recruit
Don't ask people to give you something — bring them onto your side of the table.
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~ongoing to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 90%
Carter's approach to negotiation is captured in one line: 'I never request, I recruit.' She doesn't ask anybody to pay $27 for her book or to pay money to hire her as a speaker. She tells them what she stands for and what her mission is, and tries to bring them around to her side of the table — to put them on her team. This extends to everyone: the secretary, the person getting lunch, the person booking travel. She treats each one like a decision maker and like somebody she might be able to help, and she asks about their goals at the company and where they want to go. It's partly just being a good human being, but the mechanism is real — recruited intermediaries go and advocate for you with the eventual decision makers, and third-party positive feedback is far more persuasive than anything you say about yourself.
Origin
Carter built the approach in reaction to negotiation literature that made her feel she had to be the biggest, most aggressive person in the room to be a terrific negotiator. She found a different style that worked well for her — recruiting instead of demanding — and knew she had to share it.
Core principles
- 01Never request — recruit. Bring people around to your side of the table.
- 02Relationships create the deal, not the other way around.
- 03Never shortcut on the connection, even when the person is 'just' the gatekeeper.
- 04Treat every intermediary as a decision maker and as someone you might be able to help.
- 05Third-party praise carries more weight than self-advocacy.
How to run it
- 1
Build the relationship before the table
Long before you sit down — even with someone you've never met — take time over email to get to know them, ask what they've been doing outside of work, and build a bit of rapport. Relationships create the deal, not the other way around.
Watch out Don't get right to talking about the deal. Carter doesn't, on principle.
- 2
Observe and connect
Look at what's behind them on the call — people often have things that tell you who they are. Ask where they're calling in from and build a connection from their geography or whatever they offer.
Pro tip There's no single formula for every person — read this one.
- 3
Never shortcut the gatekeeper
Treat the intermediary exactly like a decision maker. Ask about their goals at the company, how it's been going since they've been there, where they'd like to go.
Pro tip Sometimes you can help those folks — and once you've helped them, they go and advocate for you with the eventual decision makers.
Watch out Treating the intermediary like an intermediary is the mistake. They're the person who talks to the decision maker when you're not in the room.
- 4
Lead with mission, not with a request
Don't ask people to pay for your book or hire you. Tell them what you stand for and what your mission is, and bring them around to your side of the table.
- 5
State intention, then open the window
Once rapport is built, state clearly your intention for the meeting — 'my understanding is that we're meeting here today to do X' — then hit them with the 'tell me' and get them to open up first.
Pro tip Now you can respond in a fuller manner and steer the kayak where you want it to go.
In the wild
Rather than treating the person passing information to the higher-ups as a conduit, Carter asks them what their goals at the company are, how it's been going since they've been there, and where they'd like to go. She looks for a way to help them.
→ She recruits them to her side; they go and help her with the eventual decision makers.
Hala's illustration of why recruiting everyone matters: if Paula tells you 'my neighbour John is amazing, super smart, really nice, very well kept,' and then you meet John and he seems none of those things, you conclude he had a bad day — because the third-party report outranks your direct experience.
→ Being nice to everyone and making a good impression on everyone earns you the benefit of the doubt before you even walk in the room, and increases your persuasiveness.
Common mistakes
Treating the intermediary like an intermediary
The gatekeeper, the person getting lunch, the person booking travel — each one talks to the decision makers when you're not there. Skipping the connection with them forfeits an advocate.
Getting right to the deal
Leading with the transaction skips the relationship that would have created the deal. Carter's ordering is explicit: relationships create the deal, not the other way around.
Requesting instead of recruiting
Asking someone to pay you frames it as their loss and your gain. Telling them what you stand for and putting them on your team frames it as a shared mission.
Is it for you?
Best for
Founders, speakers and salespeople who need advocates inside an organisation they don't control.
Not ideal for
Genuinely one-shot transactions where there is no continuing relationship and no internal advocacy to build.
From the transcript
“my approach to negotiation is this i never request i recruit”
“relationships create the deal and not the other way around”
“i never shortcut on the connection even if the person is the gatekeeper”
“i treat that person like they are a decision maker and maybe that they're somebody i can help too”
From the episode
Alexandra Carter: Negotiate Anything
Alexandra Carter