The Frenemies and Exes Feedback Exercise
Ask the people who won't flatter you what one strength you bring.
- Difficulty
- Starter
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 3
- Confidence
- 80%
This exercise supports Lederman's law of self-image — since you can't make anyone like you, you must discover and enable what's already likable about you. Her method is simply to ask, but ask well: gather feedback from a deliberately diverse group including frenemies and exes, because they'll be candid. Crucially, don't ask an open 'how would you describe me,' which hands hostile people free rein to be mean; instead ask 'what is one quality you admire in me?' or 'one strength I bring to the table?' Even people who don't want to say nice things will concede a genuine positive, revealing the likable traits you can then lead with.
Origin
Lederman ties the practice to her family's habit around the Jewish High Holy Days of asking each other 'what do you want to work on this year,' extended into a structured book exercise for discovering one's strengths.
Core principles
- 01You can't make anyone like you, but you can help people see what's likable about you.
- 02Feedback is a wonderful piece of information, available from family, colleagues, and even adversaries.
- 03Ask a diverse group, including frenemies and exes, for the most revealing input.
- 04Frame the question to extract positives, not to hand someone free rein to be mean.
How to run it
- 1
Assemble a diverse feedback group
Deliberately include people across the spectrum — allies, colleagues, family, and especially frenemies and exes who will give it to you straight.
Pro tip Frenemies and exes are the most candid about what they don't like, which surfaces real signal.
- 2
Ask a positive-framed, specific question
Ask 'what is one quality you admire in me?' or 'one strength I bring?' rather than an open 'describe me,' so you extract positives instead of inviting attacks.
Watch out Asking 'how would you describe me' gives hostile people free rein to be mean and yields little usable signal.
- 3
Lead with the discovered strengths
Use the collected positives — including ones reluctant people conceded — to understand your unique charms and decide what to bring forward in each situation.
In the wild
Lederman describes her household asking each other around the high holy days 'what do you want to work on this year,' treating feedback as valuable information rather than criticism.
→ A recurring, low-friction source of honest self-improvement data.
Common mistakes
Asking an open-ended 'describe me'
The broad question hands unfriendly respondents license to be mean and produces vague, unusable or hurtful feedback.
Using authenticity as an excuse
Saying 'I'm just a jerk, I'm being authentic' misreads authenticity, which is about understanding your strengths and choosing what to bring forward — not permission to be unpleasant.
Is it for you?
Best for
People unsure of their likable strengths who want honest, useful self-knowledge.
Not ideal for
Those who'll take harsh unfiltered feedback badly rather than as information.
From the transcript
“you can't make anybody like you but what you can do is enable people to see what is likable about you”
“ask Frenemies and x's and you'll get some really great information”
“instead say what is one quality that you admire in me or what is one strength that you think I bring to the table”
From the episode
Grow Your Network and Influence with the 11 Laws of Likability