The Self-Affirmation Exercise
List every identity you value to prove the change didn't take all of you.
- Difficulty
- Starter
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 3
- Confidence
- 90%
A self-affirmation exercise is simply listing the identities and values that still matter to you. It counters the tunnel vision that comes from single-minded focus on one goal, reminding you of the full, multifaceted richness of your life. When you're in the throes of change, you deliberately focus on the identities the change did not threaten. It won't make you feel amazing, but it restores the sense that not all of you was taken away.
Origin
After Shankar's second miscarriage and loss of identical twin girls, her software-engineer husband unknowingly ran her through the exercise by asking what they were grateful for. She resisted it as toxic positivity, then found the flowing list revealed how rich and intact her life still was.
Core principles
- 01Single-minded focus on one goal or role creates tunnel vision that hides everything else you value.
- 02Listing your intact identities reflects back what you actually care about.
- 03When in the throes of change, focus on the values and identities the change did NOT threaten.
- 04It won't make you feel amazing, but it proves not all of you was taken away.
How to run it
- 1
Take five minutes
Sit down with the intention to list what matters, even if you resist it at first.
Watch out Don't confuse it with toxic positivity — it's not denying the pain, it's widening the frame.
- 2
List every meaningful identity
Write down each identity you value — relationships, roles, ways you serve others.
Pro tip Include being of service to others; that's a huge source of joy and satisfaction.
- 3
Focus on the unthreatened
If you're mid-change, zero in on the values and identities the change did not take from you.
Pro tip These become anchors of stability and security during transition.
In the wild
After losing the twins, Shankar dismissed her husband's gratitude prompt as 'Instagram self-help,' but as she listed her decade-long colleagues, her trainer, her nieces and nephews, and her podcast, she realized her life was far richer and more multifaceted than she'd credited.
→ She went to bed still grieving but feeling that fullness and richness remained, and not all of her had been taken.
Common mistakes
Dismissing it as toxic positivity
It can feel like forced gratitude in a moment of grief, but the point is to reveal what's intact, not to erase pain.
Focusing on the threatened identities
In the throes of change, dwelling on what was lost defeats the exercise; anchor on what remains.
Is it for you?
Best for
Anyone in acute grief or transition who feels a single loss has erased them.
Not ideal for
Someone who mistakes it for toxic positivity and needs to first sit with grief.
From the transcript
“you write down every identity that means something to you and that you value in your life”
“if you are in the throes of a change right now, you want to focus on those values and identities that are not threatened by…”
From the episode
Dr. Maya Shankar: The Science of Decision Making
Dr. Maya Shankar